This is a guest post by Homaira Kabir, a positive psychology coach and a cognitive behavioral therapist. Homaira offers online courses and coaching programs that help women develop the self-worth it takes to lead in relationships, at work and in life.
For as long as I could remember, I had a problem with negative feedback. Not only did I constantly seek words of approval, I was equally sensitive to looks and subtle signs, and likely read into them far more than I needed to.
It almost seemed as though negative feedback would open the door to a part of me that I was hiding, perhaps from my own self. I seemed to live in constant fear that were my reality revealed, I would be rejected by others – and perhaps by myself too.
It took many years of searching within to understand my insecurities and to develop the courage to embrace them. When you’ve spent a lifetime distancing yourself from certain aspects of who you are, it can be a lesson in humility to finally accept them as your own.
Homaira Kabir
There are far too many of us caught in the search for approval, sometimes from those whose approval we didn’t receive in our early years, sometimes looking for redemption and appreciation through our partners, and sometimes seeking the approval of society at large. We’ve succumbed to the messages that we’re damaged and broken inside, and we’ll go to any length to deny our faults and weaknesses so that we’re finally worthy of love and acceptance.
But the irony is that when we shut ourselves off from who we truly are inside, we also shut out all that is bright and beautiful within us. We pursue perfection and come up empty even after we attain it, because wholeness and perfection are dialectically opposed. Wholeness is about embracing every part of our being, because that is the first step towards change. It’s about seeking out the darkness we deny so we can use our light to rise above it. And it’s about listening to the fears we succumb to, so we can use our wisdom to work through them and finally let them go.
If you’re tired of always pushing, always evaluating, and always coming up short, then here’s what you can do to begin your journey to wholeness.
Be Aware
We’re often unaware of the mental chatter in our heads that simply wants to ensure our survival. It engulfs us in “shoulds” and “oughts”, that are far more about meeting other people’s expectations than about living a life true to ourselves. To create distance from this voice, the first step is to recognize it, because it can be sneaky, and show up less in words and more as unease and anxiety. If you catch yourself saying things like “I should never have said that” or ruminating endlessly about something that went wrong, you need to step back from your reaction and silence your mind.
Listen In
Once you’ve done so – and breathing slowly and deeply is a great research backed way of silencing your mind – you can enter the calm space far above the noise in your head. This is that warm and secure place of equanimity where you can accept your faults and failures without beating down on yourself. Many of us didn’t receive that warm embrace when we were younger, but we can still build it by opening up to ourselves with compassion so our inner wisdom can guide us to do the right thing.
Seek Feedback
People who see themselves as plants that grow and blossom rather than a fixed entity to be accepted or rejected, are far open to receiving negative feedback. Studies in neuroplasticity show that our brains are moldable until the day we die – which means that we can learn from experiences and grow through them. And feedback is one of the best ways to do so because it brings an outside perspective that we may well be hiding from.
Use Your Toolbox
We all have amazing strengths, talents and passions embedded deep within us. Sadly, when we spend a lifetime denying our weaknesses and living by other people’s standards, we also stay disconnected from what is unique in us. This disconnects us from the tools that come naturally to us, that bring us inherent joy and that help us rise above our weaknesses. If you find yourself unable to speak up at work, think of the passion that underlies your desire to raise your voice. If you’re fighting your urge to backbite, bring forth your strength of compassion to help you do so. You’ll find that you gradually become a higher version of yourself.
Denying our weaknesses is about living in fear and safeguarding our survival, which is ironic given that our physical self is rarely threatened. What is, is the psychological self of the ego that can begin to take itself a little too seriously. The reality is that each one of us is but a tiny speck in the vast flow of life, privileged to be alive and bursting with the desire to live fully. When we realize that the petty threats we take so seriously are non-existent in the scheme of things, we find it far easier to lighten up and surrender to this one wild and wonderful life.
Do you seek other people’s approval to struggle to accept yourself the way you are? How does it affect your life and what do you do about it? Please share!
If you’d like to discover more about your own level of self-worth sign up for Homaira’s free quiz. For more information about Homaira visit her website.
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