Today we’re excited to bring you a fascinating interview with Dale Thomas Vaughn, a champion of self-discovery and authentic healthy masculinity. Having written four Amazon best-selling books, run with the bulls in Pamplona, walked the 500 mile pilgrimage that is the Camino del Santiago, and tried, and failed, in the world of business, Dale knows a thing or two about passion and purpose. He reached the top of his game when he began coaching men on how to authentically be healthy men; men who find other healthy positive guys to be in a pack with. Today, through his work with The EmpowerMentorship Institute, Dale helps guys discover what they want from their lives and then empowers them to make a plan to go and do it. He is also Editor of Leadership & Business at The Good Men Project, a site about men that regularly reaches unique traffic levels that rival Oprah.com and Politico.com and his award-winning work with men and at-risk boys has led to the foundation of the Global Center for Healthy Masculinities.
1. How are you ‘doing what you love’?
I love my life. I get to see guys at their best. I get to mentor good men to step into their greater purpose and pursue their passions. I’ve helped school teachers influence their toughest students with positivity and compassion. I’ve helped people change their culture at work by being more present and team-oriented. I’ve watched men transform from poverty to six-figure salaries while simultaneously pursuing life goals they thought were impossible… there’s nothing better than building hope. Every time I get to help a single person I feel honored, I know I’m at my best, and I see the difference I’m making in the world. And although I’ve been at this for a decade or more, I feel like I’m just getting warmed up. Life is a creative pursuit. We make what we want… often unconsciously or passively. I try to be active each day to make my world around me. Buckminster Fuller summed it up when he said, “I seem to be a verb.”
Image credit: Emilie Zeug
2. When did your interest in healthy masculinities and self-development start?
When I was in high school two things happened to me at the same time. First, I got cut from the baseball team for being too small – which left me reeling for self-identity because that was all I’d envisioned for my life until that point. Second, I was told by a close friend about a sexual assault she’d survived – which was terrifying and painful. I began looking for answers to both problems at once, 1) my own identity as a young man without baseball, and 2) my identity as a young man with compassion for survivors of sexual violence.
I heard about the Renaissance Man in my world studies class and I knew it was my answer. It allowed me to explore different concepts of masculinity and it allowed me to begin questioning what it meant to be a good man (since clearly we have a broken concept of manhood if we men silently allow rape to exist as a culture).
I got to college and helped start a fraternity around the Balanced Man Program, then I built my own program called Men With Integrity as an effort to end sexism and sexual assault on campus. I’ve been doing this ever since, with stops along the way in the House of Commons of the United Kingdom, as a speaker at the International Conference on Masculinities, and in my everyday position as editor of leadership at the Good Men Project.
3. What does it mean to be a man in today’s world?
We are approaching what I call the golden age of masculinity. There are currently more good men than ever before in the history of the world. The reason this is true is that we’ve expanded the options and given more men a seat at the table of masculinity. We know that masculinity is a cultural definition, and we know cultural definitions change from neighbourhood to neighbourhood. There is no “one definition” of manliness anymore. This is good because it creates inclusiveness instead of exclusivity… in other words, in the golden age of masculinity you can be gay and still be manly, you can be a feminist and still be manly, you can have and hug your male friends and still be manly, you can be any kind of “other” and still be manly.
4. What are the most common issues that men face these days?
In my year-long VIP master class we talk about the 6 pillars of masculinity. It’s up to each man to find and architect a sound structure with some combination of these pillars: Purpose, Balance, Sophistication, Adventure, Community, and Leisure.
I work one-on-one with guys of all ages from all around the world via Google Hangouts or Skype; but my favorite work is in groups. Something amazing happens when men gather in groups.
5. You’re passionate about helping ordinary men become extraordinary. Why should every man have a good mentor?
Actually, I help extraordinary men simply realize the “extra” part that already exists within them. We are all walking around with seeds of strength… we just need the right soil and water. The soil is an internal belief in yourself… that can often come from supportive family/friends or basic internal toughness. The water is the process… that is where the system I’ve created comes in. The reason I’m passionate about mentorship is that many of us didn’t get planted in the right soil… did you know that an estimated 24.7 million US children (33%) grow up without a biological father? (stat from US Census). I’ve led over 300 workshops with men of all ages and you’d be surprised how deep the crisis of fatherlessness goes. I want to provide that soil and teach men how to recognize the good from the bad in their lives.
6. What makes a good mentor?
It’s my job to create a safe environment for self-development with clear boundaries and open communication lines. It’s not my job to teach, it’s my job to model and reflect access to the wisdom inside each person.
When I look for a mentor in my life, I get very specific about what kind of support I need, I write down a “job description” – and then I do an active search to recruit the right person into my life. Using this method I’ve connected with heads of state, titans of industry, and leaders of social change. I learned a while ago that I didn’t have to stumble through all of the pitfalls of life if I have a mentor warning me about upcoming obstacles.
7. How does your mentorship programme work?
It’s fun, it’s simple, it’s concrete… and it will absolutely change your whole life. Da Vinci said, “Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.” It took me over 300 workshops and a lot of personal experience and study to synthesize everything down to a repeatable 5-step system that works for every single goal anyone could imagine…
1) Know your big why…
2) Set a 6-week goal that stems from your big why
3) Decide what your first week’s step will be (make it small)
4) Tell 5 of your friends what you’re up to
5) Ask for help from someone who is 10 years ahead of you on your path
8. Tell us about the ‘finding your why’ exercise…. why is it so powerful?
You’d be surprised how hard it is to whittle down your reason for finding meaning in life. With one exercise we can get it down to one word. This is just one of the 50+ exercises in the EmpowerMentorship program, but it’s a powerful one because it takes your conscious mind out of the driver’s seat for a moment and gives us a glimpse into what’s beneath the water line of the iceberg that is our unconsciousness. Imagine having one word on your mind when you wake up in the morning… one word that inspires the hell out of you and also simplifies you. Imagine how reassuring it would be to have a starting point to the answer, ‘Why are you alive?’ Is it THE ANSWER? No. I don’t believe there is an answer. That’s why 42 from Douglas Adams is such a great moment in literary history.
9. What inspired you to write your book, The Good Life Plan for Men, and why should every man read it?
My younger brother’s journey inspired me, he went from a job he hated and no foreseeable shift that could rescue him to the job of his dreams and a masters degree in video game level design, happier than ever before in two-and-a-half years. This book is the basis of his story and many other guys who have taken the leap with the EmpowerMentorship Institute… I wanted everyone to have that leap, but to be able to do it in less time and without the trial and error.
10. What personal experiences or people have been your biggest teachers?
My first failed business taught me a lot of hard lessons about financial hardship, debt, and how to get up off of the mat when you’ve been knocked down. What dawns on me when I look back is how I thought I was bulletproof. I’d never experienced failure on that kind of level before. I went through years of recovering from that fall, and I’m still learning lessons about humility and gratitude and goal-setting. I’m also learning to see that failure as a “graduation” to the next level instead of a signal to quit and go back to systems that make me feel soulless. I guess what I’m saying is I’d rather try and fail than not try at all… but I’m having way more fun trying and succeeding this time around.
I’d say the biggest lesson I’ve learned in my personal development has come from traveling. Seeing the bubble around you shift based on the frame of reference we surround ourselves with… that can be existentially challenging but also freeing. Marcus Aurelius said, “Life is opinion,” which I take to mean that we create the world around us by deciding what we surround ourselves with. When I traveled to Europe, to South America, and throughout North America, I learned that everyone is different but everyone is the same. The more we treat each other with love and respect, the better the world around us becomes. The more we shut down to other ideas, the more insulated with doubt and fear we become. If you feel yourself being defensive… go traveling and free yourself from the burden of having to defend yourself.
I’d also mention my parents and grandparents and great grandmother, all of whom brought something different to the table, but all of whom represented what it means to love unconditionally. There’s no better teacher than love, and I had great ones to begin with. I know how lucky I am and have been… it never goes unsaid.
11. Who is your biggest role model?
There are so many! I think of my parents and grandparents for character, then my academic mentor Dr. Kathleen Hugley-Cook for intellect, then leaders I admire like MLK or Lincoln for leadership, then my dead mentors for perspective: Michel de Montaigne; Marcus Aurelius; Rousseau; and Captain James Cook.
If I had to pick one I guess I’d choose Buckminster Fuller… he was a thinker and a doer. He was a world class intellectual and also a peerless hedonist. He once spent all of his money on a party to impress the prettiest actress on Broadway… which worked, except he then got pulled out of university and sent to work on farm silos… which he then revolutionized. We know him as the guy who made the geodesic design for Epcot and who created the word “synergy,” but he also engineered a car that got more than 60 miles to the gallon and held nine people… a feat that got the White House’s attention when he rolled onto Pennsylvania avenue with Amelia Earhart at the wheel. He was the person Einstein approved to popularize his theories because he was such a great communicator that he was able to both understand them and explain them simply. He was heavily involved in the first sea to air radar systems… and he was notorious as a lecturer for never preparing notes for lectures. He would simply show up and start talking about things he thought mattered to the world. He’s my role model because he wanted to re-think everything and, although I’m not nearly a technologist, I want to rethink everything we do in leadership, communication, media, culture and discourse.
12. What’s your big dream?
A world without sexism, or any other kind of xenophobia. Where we don’t waste all of the beauty of a person’s life with obstacles like sexual violence, racial oppression or nationalistic disputes. Basically, my big goal is world peace. The thing is we have enough research to significantly cut these issues, but we feel so hopeless that we don’t try. I want to try and I think we should all want to try.
Buckminster Fuller said his personal happiness and wealth grew in proportion to the number of people he tried to help so he concluded that he should try to help all of humanity in order to make himself happiest and wealthiest… I think that philosophy could save the world.
Dale’s snapshot…
When do you feel happiest? I always do what makes me feel happiest, so always. But I’m at my best when I’m mentoring and coaching teams and individuals to their innate greatness whether at work, life or in a sport. I love traveling and discovery and tasting delicious wine with good conversationalists. I love dancing and flirting with my woman. I love sitting and listening to my respected elders tell stories about their experiences.
Most inspiring book you’ve read recently: I read a lot of classics like Don Quixote or Robinson Crusoe. Recently I re-read Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations and remembered again how much his philosophy is my philosophy; but whenever I need an inspirational pick-me-up I re-read The Alchemist by Paolo Coelho.
Biggest fear: missing a single moment, being wrongfully imprisoned, and also the Blair Witch.
Best light-bulb moment: When I was 15 and discovered the concept of the Renaissance Man, it felt like I suddenly knew my tribe.
You’re a superhero, what’s your special power? I have this weird ability to get anyone on the phone.
Quote you live by: “The aim of life is self-development. To realize one’s nature perfectly. If one man were to live out his life fully and completely, were to give form to ever feeling, expression to every thought, reality to every dream – I believe the world would gain such a fresh impulse of joy that we would forget all the maladies of medievalism and return to the Hellenic ideal… but the bravest man among us is afraid of himself.” – Oscar Wilde
Words of wisdom for all the men out there: You have all the wisdom you need inside you, work on seeing it in the mirror.
Your wish for the world: There is no otherness. I wish the world would see that we’re all connected and start treating everyone as just a different reflection of themselves. Violence, poverty, racism, sexism, hunger, environmental damage… it all goes away with this simple lesson. I honestly don’t know why we keep listening to that part of our brain that tells us we have separate tribes, that instinct is outdated and we need to evolve as a species.
