Today’s shared story comes from Nichole Kellerman, a weight loss and lifestyle coach with the drive to help as many women as possible be fit, healthy and happy while having a blast! Having struggled with her weight and self image in the past (even as a personal trainer), she has now dedicated her life to showing women how to let free that curvy, sexy, strong women she already is!
Growing up and all through high school I was never concerned with my physical image, or what people thought about it. It wasn’t until summer 2004 when I was working with a girl named Sarah (let’s call her), who broke me down day-by-day, slowly picking away at me till there was nothing left. I didn’t realize that that summer would be a summer that flipped my life upside down.
Working as lifeguards together and being that we were always in bathing suits, Sarah would constantly state how fat she was as she sat there glaring at her body in the mirror, picking, prodding and dissecting each and every part of her body.Soon Sarah began directly insulting me, looking at what I was eating and asking, “You’re eating that? It must be your fat day!!” She shot all of her insecurities at me like a rubber band, stinging and burning every time. Slowly I broke down; believing what she was saying and beginning to wonder what was going on in my mirror as well….
From that summer on, I put my body AND mind through a horrible experience. I subjected myself to both mental and physical abuse on a daily basis. I would even go as far to call it self- mutilation. I went from compulsively eating to starving myself, while drowning in thoughts of self -hatred. Exercise was an obsession along with trying multiple crash diets, diet pills, and purging. I did anything to change who I currently was. I was in a state of complete self-rejection.
It was consuming me, and taking every essence of my being. It was suffocating, I felt like I couldn’t breathe! Even though my focus was on LOSING weight, I gained about 15lbs over that summer….. Coincidence? Uh, I think not!…I like to call that mental weight gain.
During that time I remember I wasn’t a great person to be around. I never smiled, I was very jealous and insecure; I was unhappy on every level.
Still struggling after 2 years, I decided to go to school to become a fitness professional. I was telling people it was because I wanted to be a trainer, stating “I’m in the gym all the time already, might as well get paid for it!” But deeply, I was just wanting to lose weight and be that perfect image I so badly dreamt about.
I now understand that, that summer, with Sarah picking me apart as if I was her project, was actually a blessing in disguise. I joined school and loved every minute! I learned that I was doing everything wrong, and the right way to get into shape wasn’t about starvation. It doesn’t take self destruction.
Yes that is a picture of my head on a fitness models body…Tactic to reach my ideal body, another self-hatred act.
Beginning my career as a personal trainer was amazing, but, truthfully, those thoughts still existed. I told everyone that I had dealt with them and that it was water under the bridge. I was just trying to convince myself that those thoughts no longer existed. I was 30lbs lighter, got my diet on track, and my compulsive exercising was under control. But I STILL was unhappy with myself, and very insecure, continuing to pick apart my body in the mirror.
It was as if nothing would ever be good enough. Being a personal trainer, I still was struggling inside. I tried everything: Starving/Bingeing; Body For Life; Eat-Stop-Eat (not eating for 24hrs); Just eating vegetables and fruit; Weight Watchers (brought back my obsessive behavior); 2 hour workouts; Jillian Michael’s Making the Cut Program; Fasting for days (horrible); Working out 2x a day; Diet Pills etc… Just trying to find the ‘perfect formula’ to reach that ‘perfect’ size 2 goal (yeah, right!). I truly believed that if I got to that size I would FINALLY be happy. Even if it meant doing destructive and unhealthy things to myself.
Over time, working with a therapist, and going to an amazing massage school, where I did lots of healing is when I began accepting myself for what I was truly meant to look like, and it felt AMAZING! To look at areas I once hated and say “I love you” is something I have wanted to do for so long.
I will never regret telling people about my story and how I struggled because I learned SO MUCH and found my passion! Helping women reach their health goals and love themselves is THE reason why I was put on this planet!
The biggest thing I learned through my experience was how I was the reason why I wasn’t changing. I did it all to myself – the thoughts of self-hatred were keeping me the weight I was and I went through hundreds of failures to figure out how to make that mental shift. When I did it completely changed my life.
I don’t want one more woman to have to fail as many times as I did to reach their goal. I have strategically designed all of my programs from my past experiences for optimal success.
Oh and just to make it clear, I never reached my ‘perfect goal’ and am by no means perfect. I have just learned to love myself, every flawless flaw and adorable dimple!
I still have my indulgences! I love ice cream, pizza, peanut m&ms and the occasional night out with the girls with one two many glasses of wine, all while still living a very healthy lifestyle. It’s all about finding balance and I can show you how to get it.
[All images courtesy of Nichole Kellerman.]
Learn more about Nichole at wildlyaliveweightloss.com
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Image: Cover of ‘Kodansha Bilingual Encyclopedia of Japan’
