Today’s *shared story* comes from artist Soriah Nulliah.
I am an artist. From before I was even born…this is what I am. It’s what makes my heart sing… it’s what fuels and sustains me. However…I didn’t always know this or believe this.
I was born into a family and culture that was extremely oppressive, abusive and stifling; there was no room to breathe and grow. Girls were only meant to get married, be obedient and produce (male) children. That’s it! I was not allowed to have my own dreams or ambitions or creative expressions. For me…following my heart and doing what I love has really been the long road of individuation, empowerment and building my self esteem. I used to paint, draw, write poetry and journal when I was a teen but I was ridiculed and belittled so I kept it hidden. I put all of my dreams away in a box and locked it shut. I lost the key.
As I entered my 20s, I was fractured and very broken…dealing with the deep scars of my childhood experiences and wandering about the world as a lost soul. I entered a long period of soul searching. I left home and managed to educate myself. I travelled and lived in an ashram for about 6 months. I read voraciously, visited museums and art galleries but I was very very lost and living a life that was devoid of heart and meaning. Externally I had everything but, paradoxically, I had nothing.
The turning point in my life was when I turned 30 and went on a 4 month pilgrimage to India. It changed the course of my life. I am of Indian descent but had never visited the land of my ancestors before. It was this journey that led me to the very heart of my SELF and to my art. In the claiming of my whole self, I realized I simply had to create, write and paint; it simply wasn’t an option any more. I found the key to my locked box of dreams; that key was my true SELF!
When I came back from that trip I took classes on painting, drawing and photography. I started putting paint to paper and pouring out my heart onto large canvases. I spent all of my money on fat jars of paint, books and classes. Most of those early paintings were truly horrible…but I was happy for the very first time in my life. My heart was singing and I was learning and growing.
I think the biggest sacrifices I have had to make in the pursuit of my art has been after the birth of my daughter Tara. On one hand I absolutely adore being a mother and raising my little girl, but on the other I absolutely have to paint. So it’s a balancing act of sleep deprivation, guilt, passion, love, time management and creativity – a balance I am still struggling to find! I have an amazingly supportive husband so that helps tremendously.
Motherhood completely changed me and ignited all of my maternal instincts with wanting to be there completely for my daughter. And just to complicate things, motherhood also fired up my creative juices and I had all of these paintings and stories inside of me just aching to be told.
Doing what I love doesn’t mean that I don’t suffer disappointments, frustrations and setbacks. What it does mean is that when I do experience these, my heart and passion allows me to sustain the commitment to my art.
What do I wish I had known back then? Hmmm…everything and nothing! Every single joy, heartache, pain, success and failure has led me right to this moment here; it’s all part of my personal journey. In many respects I have had an extremely difficult and painful life yet I firmly believe that those very same experiences have allowed me to be the person/mother/artist that I am today. I can be a great mother to my child because I never had that for myself. I can tell these stories of brokenness and wholeness because I have been on that very journey. Doing what I love continues to be humbling, healing, invigorating and exciting.
[Images courtesy of Soraya Nulliah.]
Soraya Nulliah is a wife, mother, friend, artist, creative soul, seeker, budding photographer. Find out more about Soraya on her blog or connect on Facebook and Twitter.
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